What pizza is your zodiac sign?

There is nothing modest about these pies.

Comedian Kevin James poetically praised the power and pleasure of pizza pie, arguing “There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”

I could come up with a few contenders, but in honor of National Pizza Day On February 9th, we will give in to Kevin’s demands.

As part of this holy day, I would like to personally honor the American GOAT pizza lover, six-year-old Mason Stonehouse, a likely Taurus who ordered hundreds of dollars worth of pizza delivery while playing on his father’s phone before bed. When awakened and asked to explain his crimes, he raised his hands and calmly asked if the pepperoni pizza had arrived.

Increasing the cut to TO.

Americans, including the aforementioned pepperoni prince, are indebted to the Italian immigrants who brought the legendary pizza pie with them across the Atlantic, whetting an appetite for the humble delicacy in New York and beyond. New York is still considered the pizza capital of the United States, with 18% of the best pizza places in the country located within the city.

Wherever you live and however you glorify carb kings, we hope you pair your pie with our pizza zodiac signs list.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Buffalo pizza

Deliberately hot and prone to staining, Aries is the buffalo pizza of the zodiac. Add to that, they’re as tender as a bright orange and as easy to digest as a fermented cayenne pepper.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

pizza margherita

Taurus lives for indulgence and calorie avoidance, masquerading as fancy shit on a pretty plate. Enter Pizza Margherita, Taurus’ poem of tanned edges, expensive cheese and herb confetti. Although for a bull that is recovering or overeating from stress, it’s a stuffed crust all day, baby.

Hawaiian pizza

The Gemini energy is polarized and in places downright chaotic, like a controversial Hawaiian pizza. It’s the carbohydrate equivalent of the challenge, the volatile enigma, and the sometimes salty, sometimes sweet, and always talkative Gemini.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Vegetarian pizza

Cancer is a vegan pizza because they operate from a “do no harm” rallying cry for both vegetarians and veterinarians. Cancers tend to have sensitive stomachs and are the type to grow their own pumpkin, making this nutrient-dense, spice-free pie a sort of slice.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Cheese Pizza

Leos, the regal lords of the heart, are also hopeless, frustrated and completely shameless romantics. When it comes to love, adoration, and pizza pies, the more shameless cheese, the better for the pride of lions.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Thin crust pizza

Virgos are fanatically concerned about their health. They don’t care if it tastes good as long as it pretends to be good for you. Enter thin-crust pizza, a glorified cracker allergic to fun.

Astrology 101: Your Guide to the Stars

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

pepperoni pizza

A sign of the zodiac synonymous with partnerships, business relationships, and ideal relationships, Libra is pepperoni pizza. Libras easily fall prey to codependent dynamics. In kind, pepperoni is a popular filling that needs one more element to truly shine.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

meat pizza

Scorpio rules the eighth house of death and rebirth, as well as the excretory system. By the way, no pizza known to mankind is covered in such dead shit as meat or meat pie.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

supreme pizza

Sagittarians are the ultimate in pizza, as they find it hard to say no to excess, and were born to add toppings with reckless vigor without regard for price, decorum, or the undeniable truth that canned olives are trash. Ruled by the vast planet Jupiter, the bigger the better and the merrier, she keeps track that they have a riot of tastes.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Sicilian pizza

Capricorn is the Sicilian pizza of the zodiac because it is square and traditional. The Caps are concerned with leaving a legacy/building an empire, and Sicily is synonymous with the centuries old and still ruling/laundering/extorting/murdering criminal organization known as the Costa Nostra.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

white pizza

Not wanting to get their space suits, vegan leather suede interior or stainless steel dirty, Aquarius is a white pizza. It’s Yoko Ono starting a revolution one banished tablespoon of marinar at a time. This is the future, it’s unpopular, and it’s here to show us what’s possible.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Deep Dish Pizza

Pisces is the deep-dish pizza of the zodiac, as Aboriginals seem destined to live up to the proverb of fellow Pisces writer and professional heartbreaker Anais Nin, who echoed, “I’m not afraid of the deep and I’m very afraid of living in shallow water.” The truth about emotions, the truth about the core.

Astrologer Reda Vigle explores and disrespectfully reports planetary configurations and their effects on each sign of the zodiac. Her horoscopes combine history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has featured numerous artists and performers and has detailed her travel experiences. Among the many intriguing topics she brought up were graveyard etiquette, her love of dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” food available abroad.

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